[And I found this two-headed turtle down there. She was 6 months old when I found her.]

Before I tell you why I'm still here, I'm going to tell the funniest thing in all the written history of mankind, the most interesting and funny thing which happened in my presence too. But unfortunately I wasn't able to see the whole adventure and even if I was, it might not look funny to me; surprising may be but not funny because I was too young (about three years old) too appreciate the cuteness and strangeness, of the situation and the unbelievable act of that really nice kind, always worried lady, the lady who at the peak of excitement and worriedness did some thing that even now after tens of years later I and the rest of the people who have heard story before or not, and the two persons alive, besides myself, who were present when it happened,(my older brother, and the chemist Dr.H.N, the lady's brother who was a university student at that time,) even now we are not able, it really is not possible to keep our laughter down. And the reason why I, myself didn't see that unforgettable event was that when it all happened above that deep well which was in the middle of the lady's garden, I was at the bottom of the well waiting to be rescued. And remember that until now I have never told you that the story I'm going to tell is funny, let alone the funniest; so be careful guys!

My mother decided to send my brother (who was four years and 13days older than me at the time and believe it or not, he is still the exact same amount older,) to her good friend's house, that nice worrying lady, who lived a few blocks from us and told him to take me with him. I don’t know if I had insisted to go or my mother wanted to send me there too, to make her friend who used to claim that she was in love with me, happy. So that she could hug me, squeeze me and kiss me as much as she liked in privacy of her home; in other words: so that she could embrace me without embarrassing herself! Is that a great "word play" or what?! Anyway my brother took me with him although he needed some one older to take care of him. But in those days little kids did things that are hard to believe these days and surely are unacceptable for many parents now.
Now as I said before, I heard most of the story later, time after time; in fact I just remember two things clearly about the whole incident. One: down there was dark and I was saying that its dark down here and I’m scared, and I thought I was seeing two little dark glass windows. Two: when they brought me up, I kept swearing at my brother, took the poor kid responsible for my really horrible experience: Falling down the fourteen meter well! I know it's unbelievable. I still cannot believe that the well was that deep and nothing happened to me except a few scratches (actually some had a semi or para-logical explanation for that; I'll tell you that later). But they all said that it was a fourteen-meter well. Of course it is possible that the well digger had exaggerated a meter or two to get more money but even if it was ten meters deep the accident still looked like a miracle and mind you that many people at that time till years later had really accepted it as a miracle and even my cousins grand mother who was a very religious lady who, like that famous saint, had suddenly discovered the truth when still young and beautiful and left all the luxury of the royal grand ceremonies and parties and devoted the rest of her life to her religious duties, this lady kept telling me that "God has touched you in that day. Understand this and choose the right path in your life."
Anyway what happened was this: We two kids hand in hand entered the yard walked on the toward the well, unaware of the well of course, which had a trap door like they used to have in the Adams family. I walked on the door, the bastard ducked; I fell in, hanging for a few moments from my brother's hand. Of course the poor kid could not help me, he was going to fall dawn with me, so in a few seconds he took a very wise decision, he let my hand go and went to tell the grown ups what had happened. You must understand that he didn't think that I might die in the fall or I was in any real danger; he just thought, I guess, that I was in an awkward situation and needed help, like a cat up a tree; and he showed this fact by his really coolness when went for help. By the way, I let you know when we reach the real funny part, I'll warn you before, so you can relax and if you liked to smile or laugh before that that's your business, but when you must really laugh is when I tell you to be ready!
The lady's brother Dr.H.N. was shaving when my brother,F, went to him and said:"DD fell into the well." he was so cool, that the doc didn't believe him naturally, to him it was like he told him that I was shot in the head, falling down that well was equal to be killed and no less. So he said ok, still shaving. Then F asked, "Aren’t you going to bring him up?"
"I can't, you see I'm busy! I'm shaving."
Then the kind lady asked from upstairs: "Are you talking to me?"(even before Robert De Nero).
"No it's F, getting wise ass! he says DD is in the bottom of the well!"
"WHAT?!!" Shouted the nice worrying lady M and ran down the stairs.
"Don't worry it's nothing..."
“But it's true." my brother insisted. So Mr. H.N., just to convince her sister, grabbed my brother's arm a bit annoyed, his face half foamy and razor in the other hand and brought him over the well and, the worried sick nice lady had ran to the well too, and H.N. with faked smile shouted into the well:"DD!" and I said: "Yes?" And the lady fainted instantly. I don't know if people really faint as we see in movies or they always fake, but if I can believe in one sincere faint, that would be Lady M's faint at that moment.
At once all the people of the house ran to the well, shouting, some asking what should we do now this minute there's no time to waste. And some saying that some one must go down there and bring the poor child up. But who could do that? The lady had come to her senses by this time, not really actually, she was crying, was crazy and was confused during the next ten minutes or so, running around the well and around herself like a wind mill, pulling her hair and slapping her face. At the mean time H.N. had ran out of the door to find a well digger, and it wasn't an act of despair, no, in those days that kind of workers like those who emptied and cleaned pools were peoples whom you saw daily in every district.
Lady M's father and two younger sisters and the old cook and the gardener and his son were standing around the well, all shouting, making suggestions or mourning, because I getting away with that, get out of that well alive was hard to imagine for some of them who didn't believe in miracle. I imagine it was like that famous scene in Mozart's opera Figaro, when all the characters speak, sing together at the same time, and of course, without listening to each other. At last H.N. enters with the man. A man in his forties, in black "pajama type", no belt pants (which must be the better the newer one because they usually wore the older with holes on it under the good one so when they work they don't ruin their good trousers), old shoes no stockings, a not very clean white under shirt and over that a "one size small gray old jacket" and a navy blue "half ball hat" stuck on his head.
Naturally they all, and above all a hundred times above all the others, THE LADY, wanted the poor man to go down there immediately and fetch me before he even opens his mouth. But of course in real world things don't work that way, even if you are dying from shock and loosing blood, you must first pay, or sign some agreement; before that they don't help you. So when H.N. brought the poor man, the man obviously and quite logically wanted to know first what was going on? Who is down there? Is he big a guy? What if he was heavy? And of course more important than all that: how much he's going to get for the get for the job? No one was thinking about the payment except him; because money was not a problem as they say, in it's most actual sense and meaning. No body cared if the poor guy wanted to charge even too much, more than his own humble expectations.
Here comes the funny part: The man was coming over the well talking to H.N. who was agreeing frantically with what ever he was saying without hearing a word, he just wanted to send him down as soon as, even not, possible and the nice respected lady was going crazy by then from excitement and worrying sick all that time, so she ran to the man who was talking to H.N. and was taking off his jacket in no hurry...
Lady M only concern about starting the rescue operation without wasting even a second, and to help the man get ready faster, and of course not knowing what she was doing, jumped and pulled the surprised man pants down in the middle of the crowd, by that time some of the neighbors had come too, to see what's going on. It's true that she wasn't supposed to that At ALL! But everybody knew that these workers always wear two pairs of trousers and the under one was for work. But this time this black pajama was all that the poor guy had on and when the lady pulled it down the entire crowd, who were singing Figaro till then, suddenly fell into absolute black silence! Silence of amazement and shame and the silence that was the preface and the soundless overture of that crazy loud coming laughter in a few seconds. They all froze amazed for a few moments till the lady found out what she had done and what she was staring at! Then she screamed and ran for her life! The man's equipment had such an impression on her that she forgot all about me for a minute or two. She ran for cover, hide inside the house till her father, a respected old gentleman, pulled the poor guy pants up and sent him down.

About the logical explanation: some said I had grabbed the pipe that went down all the way into the water and had slid down but what about those iron shafts that fastens the pipe to the walls? They could break my wrist. And the bottom of the well was just optimum neither hard to crush my bones nor watery to sink me. I don't know, I think calling it a miracle is the easiest and understandable explanation, and the most logical one too, in absence of logic!

And about why I didn't close down for good: To be honest, first I felt like I'm a grown up who enters in the young kids play, no matter how much he tries, he ruins their play. We have all experienced that and we all know that in that situation always the kids are right and the grown up is unwanted even if the kids like him/her even they love him/her; they want to be left alone in their play and they have every right to want that. But then some one made see things better, more clearly…
I got tired now I'll write the rest next time. And just say this I've decided not ask any question from anyone I don't know and not even praise any one that I don't know at all, to prevent any misunderstanding. Because actually we, I and my fellow partners, had started this web log play for saying something very very important which we hope to share with you when the time comes and in fact it was one of them who reminded me that I shouldn't quit just to make a handful or even less than a handful happy; specially when I’ve found some really great friends here.

{Persian Empire in The British Museum till the end of the year}

This morning, before noon, I witnessed some thing in one of our neighbor’s guest-room that affected me so deeply and strongly that I cannot resist sharing it with my few friends in this business, the web log business. And today I'm Mr. “Polite nice guy” too by the way. But before telling you what I saw and heard today, I must explain a fact of life for some of you who may have not any experience in the field I'm going to talk about. This fact of life is that the absolute departure, leaving the world for good and going to heaven, (I'm so polite today that I cannot say even the word hell! I said it though, sorry.) In short, dying, I mean the natural death, is not always a simple easy short procedure it's not! Believe me. I have seen nice loving fathers and mothers who in their death bed innocently and against their own wish and will, annoyed and made their beloved ones mad so bad that the danger of them (the beloved ones) interfere in the course of nature and take the heavenly law in their own hands was dancing in the air and around the poor guy's head, that nice guy who was lying in his/her death bed awaiting the angel of mercy, angel Azrael, and begging him/her to hurry and end his/her pain and the horrible bore due to lying in(after a while) disgusting bed with nothing do except suffering from everything. This process in some cases can take weeks and even months. In fact fast sweet enviable deaths like the departure of my father is very rare. My mother called me and said: “I think your father doesn't feel good, he breathes a bit heavily I think." I went there and after a few minutes my wife came and then my brother came. The father didn't bother anybody didn't give us the least trouble of any sort. When I arrived he just let me know, he didn't speak those last minutes seemed a bit confused to me, he just let me know that he wanted to go to the bathroom, we went there I helped him to urinate, but it was false alarm, no pee. So we went back to the bed, a big king size bed that had room for all of us. My father lied in the middle and we all sat around him. For almost a minute or may be more he looked at us intentionally as he was trying to bear the picture in his mind as clear as possible. And then he left, no fuss, in peace and tranquility he smoothly crept to that eternal sleep. It was the way of dying that I guess every body wishes for, when the time comes of course, not now. But the strange thing was that, I, not a crying type, cried so heavily and with my whole body and no control, that even my mother and my wife who loved my father as much as the rest of us, halted their crying and tried to calm me down, I myself was trying too, but it was useless for a few a moments. The next day I thought about it, tried to understand why I had cried like that (it was the third time in my life) when every thing was so beautiful and was not very unexpected too. May be it was because he couldn't speak at those last minutes, may be I had thought: what if he wanted to say something? But then again nothing didn't matter any more anyway; the whole world vanishes with every death I guess. Anyway, I was saying that it's not always so easy, no sir! Some times especially when the whole family do not live in the same place, when every son and daughter with his wife and husband live in a separate continent, this hide and seek with Azrael can be really painful and annoying too, trust me!
They get a call that says: “It's TIME”. They leave their work, buy at least two return tickets, if they don't bring the grand children to say goodbye. They come to mourn for a few days and get back to their lives. But Azrael refuses to answer the prayers. They stay for a week, then two weeks, and then they loose hope and go back to their continents. A week later they get the call again they hear: “this is it, this time is serious." They whisper to themselves:" I hope so." and the poor things repeat the whole course of action again. May be this time they're lucky may be not, no one knows!
Now about this morning:
A friend of mine came and said he was going to visit "the poor old Mr..." father and father-in-law of two of our friends, and said that I better go with him, said: “It makes Mary and Joseph really happy if you come along too."
First I said no, because I had gone there last week and everybody knows that I'm not one of those nice guys who when ever hear that some poor bastard (sorry about that) some one is ill, they pay a visit every day and say nice things to her/him. I said no, I can't come. "Why not?!" he objected: “It’s less than a five minutes walk for God's sake."
"I know and that's why I went there last Tuesday evening; and brought a bottle of vodka too..."
"To cure the poor old man I'm sure!"
"No, to drink it with his daughter and his son-in-law."
"Ok, why not repeat that this morning without the drink."
"I told you I was there four days ago, I have a reputation you know, I can't just act nice guy on request of the first man who comes in from the door!"
At last he took me there saying that the poor man is really dying; I whispered: “don’t be so sure!" and we went out of the door.
To make a short story even shorter, we find the old man sleeping in his bed like before and the daughter started crying as we went in, as it's customary to cry for every new guest; but she was crying more seriously this time and seemed to me that she didn't want to let go, I thought, I must ask God's forgiveness before saying this: but I thought may be the poor exhausted woman had decided to cry very hard like the father was actually dead in the hope that the great God takes pity on her and send the angel. It was just a thought of course, a pretty stupid one too, at first at least! But then suddenly she made me proud, proud of myself that is!
(Sorry I forgot to explain it before what “legal doc” means: The "legal doc" is the doctor who signs death certificates; when some one dies in a house he must go there and examine the body and decide the cause of death and sign the death certificate; after that they can carry on with the rest of the procedure.)
Mary, the daughter, sobbing, told her young brother: “did you call the legal doc and all that?" The young brother picked up the phone and was going to ask what number (under Mary's husband, Joseph and my amazed stare,) that Joseph whispered: “Are you really going to dial?! Put the phone down, I can't believe it! The poor man is alive for god's sake he is not dead yet Mary! What’s the matter with you?!"
Mary slowed down to mild weeping, clearing her nose into a tissue and said, not whispering, she said:
"It's alright, call them, he'll be dead by then...till they get here." then whispered to herself: "in this traffic!"

Yesterday a gentleman called me, first he told me how he had found my number and then he said:
"Would you do me a favor sir"
"I don't know what kind of favor?"
"I've discovered one of the greatest facts of life and very much like to share it with other Intelligent people." "Yes...?"
"Will you write it on your website?"
"I don't know sir..."
"No, No, I assure you it's nothing that may hurt any body's feelings or against any race or nation or..."
"Please sir just tell what is this discovery of yours instead of all this..."
"Yes sir, sure sir, thank you sir..."
"I haven't promised anything yet..."
"I know that; and another thing sir last week some thing really interesting happened in our small town, not too small of course, but comparing to the capital..."
"Mister Please! I have work to do."
"Of course sir, how stupid of me, I just want to tell you this: after you do me this great favor I'll tell what happened to the Swedish doctor who works in our town since ten years ago, when he came he was so young fresh out of medicine school and his language..."
"Listen! I have to say goodbye now. I'm sorry may be some other time..."
"No, no, no, don't hang up please. I tell you now what happened here last Wednesday..."
And he did tell me his discovery and the very interesting thing that had happened in his town two days ago. I first write what he has discovered!, as he claims, and then story. By the way, I must confess that I had heard this before,and I'm agree with it, but the gentleman hadn't; and has found it out for himself which is an admirable achievement.

{{NEVER UNDERSTIMATE THE PREDICTABILTY OF STUPIDITY}}

Now the story:
Last Wednesday, this man, (I can't reveal his name of course), a butcher by profession (and what happened doesn't have anything to do with his profession by the way.)
Anyway, last Wednesday at high noon, this man, Jack, we call him, this jack hurried to the Doc's office, his face covered by sweat showed that he had ran all the way, he begged the Swedish doctor to help him, he almost cried:
"I pay you anything you say, I do any thing you say please help me..."
"Calm down, what seems to be the trouble?" (!)
"I tell you doc! You are my last and the only hope, I do anything you tell me to do, order me to cut off both my hands I'll do it right here right now, of course you must help me with the remaining hand..."
"I ask you to calm down, and you want to cut your hands for me?! Aren't you a lunatic by any chance?"
"No doc, God forbid, no! I just need you to cure me, I'll kill myself doc. I'm not kidding..."
"Just tell me what's wrong."
"OK, thanks doc, I'm so ashamed..."
Doc had been a bit angry even before the agonizing process starts, and almost barked at Jack:
"I said what's wrong!"
"I'm saying it,...my God, how can say it... OK, Ok, I say it. You see doc, my problem is this: When ever I leave my counter and stand up for my prayer, like now for instance, my little one stands fast with me and stays like that till either I forget it and get back to work without saying my prayers or, I have to hit him as bad as you cannot imagine, may be in your dreams, I don’t know, and at the same time I must poor a bucket of ice cold water in his head and after all this, may be, still may be give up... I'm telling you doc it's killing me. I do what ever you order, just command me. do you like me to give ten liter of my blood to be cured? I'll do it. Just tell me! Command me!"
"OK, Ok, you had repeated this more than enough before, there's no need to say it again, in fact if you say it again I slap you so hard on the mouth that you loose all the three remaining front teeth of yours."
"Really doc?"
"Yes, really doc."
"OK then, I don't say it again just cure me doc, for the love of God, help me."
The doctor scratched his head for a few moment and then said:
"I really don't understand why you are so upset about your little one standing by you when you are going to... Is it your daughter or son?"
"I mean my the little one which is not little at all now by the way."
"What?!"
Jack whispered, without pointing to anything:
"This, I mean this bastard who dangles loose all the rest of the time, this cheap useless thing that when ever I need him to keep his head up and drill through like a man, he refuses to even budge, all the time hanging like a dead snake, dangling loosely head down from shame. The shameless good for nothing bastard..."
"Are you through?..."
"What!?"
"have you finished? are you done you basta..."
"Yes doc, yes. Now, please order me to do something so that I can teach him his place, teach him when he must be humble and when he must act proudly and stand real fast keeping his hard head up for grace of…! Just command me doc! I do what ever you tell...Sorry doc, I can't help it. I'm your slave whip me, slash me but PLEASE cure me first."
"How can I help when the boy is not here?! I'm not a bibliomacer you know! (translation of the profession of curing or predicting the future by choosing a random passage in a certain books, the Bible for example,{sarketab})..."
"what?"
"I'm not a fortune teller."
"what's that got to do with..."
"I mean I cannot cure what I do not see. you understand me now? Ha? you stupid bastard lunatic? do you read me you mother f..."
"Calm down doc, take it easy. Wow! scared me. So you want to see it?!..."
"Sure I want to see him, other wise how am I suppose to..."
"Ok, don't get hot again, but you surely understand that it's not easy for me. I'm in fact very shy; don't let these twisted strong muscles mislead you doc."
The doctor shouted:
"Get out of here, NOW... and bring your son next time, or easier than that, tell that bastard child of yours not to stand fast besides you when you stand to say... what ever it is that you want to say. And good day to you, sir!"
"Oh I get it! you haven’t got it! I mean you got it all wrong doc. I told you it's not my son." he whispered:"it's him."
"Who"
"Hiiimmmm."
"Oh I seeeee!"
"yes you seeee! now what should I do about it. I have come to you to do what ever you tell me to do. command me master...Sorry doc."
"Very well then, I have to think about it for a while I haven't seen such an interesting case before you know..."
" I know doc just please..."
"Just shut up and sit..."
"It's not easy for me to sit in this situation you know, with the bastard standing so hard so stabbor..."
"Ok don't sit. just shut up. Don't say anything, let me think."
The Swedish doctor remembered that as a teenager he had heard from his cousin that in the middle of love making when ever he wanted to hold back as they say, wants to ride a little longer, he used to put his mind on something else for a while, thought about something, like a bad accident or a fearsome situation, that way he cooled down a little. But surely he had to do this very delicately because if he exaggerated there was the embarrassing danger of the thing goes to sleep prematurely and ruin his whole fun and reputation. Anyway the doc decided to try that method on Jack who was watching him all the time and his every move.
"Listen Jack, try this: Think of a really bad car accident, put your mind on something else and misdirect your and his attention."
"it's no use."
"Have you tried it?"
"I know doc it's useless."
"Ok then think about... think about one of your best friends... You do have a best friend don't you jack?"
"Yes I do doc, as matter of fact I have three of them."
"OK think about this: He comes to you and tells you that he's got cancer."
"it's no use."
"Have you tried it?"
"I just know doc, it's no use."
To make a real long story short as usual, which is still long by the way, The Swedish doc suggested more horrible things one after the other, like the death of Jack’s parents and the answer was "it's no use." every time till the doc got really tired and badly angry, wanted to threw the annoying bastard out, but decided to make one more suggestion:
"Do you have kids?"
"Yes doc two."
"Ok think about this: Someone suddenly comes to your shop and says both your kids have been killed in an accident."
"It's no use, I'm telling you doc, it's no..."
The doctor got mad furious red crazy insane angry, shouted:
"That's enough you fucking bastard! What do you want from me?! Ha? OK come on, put your hard into my ass hole!"
"OK doc, I did tell you that I have come to you do what ever you tell me to do."
And rest is history,OR, The rest is silence as Hamlet put it!

According to my old friend who now lives in north Tehran,"Poleh Roomi" Street, Germany (like Turkey, Britain, Russia and France, late 19th century world powers) has two embassies, two residents in Tehran, one in down town for official daily works and an unbelievably vast, spacious and beautiful garden in the north Tehran as the ambassador’s summer resident. Anyway this doesn't concern us. We just need to know that in recent years Germany has built a few separate two-story houses for her office clerks in her garden. Where the garden ends (in Poleh Romi St.) my friend's garden begins and the eastern corner of the balcony of the house in the embassy meets with the southern corner of the balcony of my friend's house, making an L. They cannot see each other but they can hear each other’s voice if they don’t whisper.
Yesterday this friend of mine was sitting in his balcony eating watermelon with his little daughter when he suddenly and unintentionally over heard this conversation between this office clerk and his wife. The wife said:
I'm worried about this new gardener, this, what's his name "Akar kazni"?
The husband, who apparently was eating watermelon or cucumber, interrupted her: Don't worry about him.
Listen to me Sigrid! (not his real name) when you are out he comes into the house...
The husband still eating: I said don't worry about him he is a crazy old man, don't pay any attention to him, and his name is "Akbar Ghazvini" not "Akar...
Fuck his name! I don't believe it! Are you listening to me...
Ye, ye, I'm listening. I told you my dear don't pay any...
Are you insane?!...
Not me, him...
I'm telling you when you are out, he comes inside the house and he fucks me, and does it not like any other man I know...
The husband still eating: I told you, he doesn't know what he is doing, don't worry.
What?!!!
I'm telling you darling, don't worry about it, If you must know, he comes inside the house when you are out and he fucks me too, he is crazy.